What'll It Be Then, Eh?

Hello all.

What can I say? There has not been an overwhelming amount of exciting developments since my last post, hence yet another word drought. Professional writers must lead extremely interesting lives to have the urge to write all the time. The good ones at least. Like Hunter S. Thompson. I just started reading his book Kingdom of Fear, and the life he lives is dominated by eccentric, and sometimes utterly depraved, impulse. Luckily for readers, his favorite impulse is pounding the keys of his typewriter, with outrageous public behavior (usually in a significantly altered state of mind) coming in a close second. As he says, "Morality is temporary, wisdom is permanent."

In an ideal world, this blog would highlight a lavish series of adventures and misadventures throughout the bizarre land of Oz. Unlike Thompson's hay day, the late 60s and early 70s, being broke is a deal breaker. I hate to complain about financial issues, but it is a daily factor in our lives. Whatever, we are still having a blast and we will just be more motivated to get great jobs in the near future.

These days are not without celebration, however. A week and a half ago, I celebrated my 23rd birthday along with 4 other friends from work whose birthday fell within the weekend of the 26th. 5 friends celebrating a birthday together is a very dangerous combination which, should you ever find yourself in this situation, is to be treated with extreme caution. Especially when two of the celebratees are your twin managers born on the 30th who love to spend money.

The night began at our apartment. When asked where I would like to go for the evening, I left it up to the birthday girls with one condition:

"I will go anywhere except for some gay bar that won't let me in because I am not gay and have had more than 3 Bacardi Breezers and a Fuzzy Navel"

My request was granted as we went to a fun bar and hung out for a while without an issue. Of course, as the night went on and the drinks continued to flow, the dames felt the need to cement their status as pieces of meat (some ranking in the prime category, most were flirting with choice at best) by objectifying themselves on a dancefloor at a club. I'm just bitter, girls, we have no problem with you shaking your moneymaker or your milkshake or whatever you want to call it.

As any irrational group of celebrating females (I am being very kind in my terminology) will do, the ladies decided that we should go to a place called "Love Machine." Kill me now. Clearly, this did not sound like my kind of joint, but who was I to argue with a bunch of local girls celebrating another year of good looks departing.

On the way to this mysterious location, I learned that "Love Machine" completely fails to pass any of my aforementioned criteria. It was an exclusive club that is gay on friday nights. Fortunately, it was Saturday night, but...come on. That's like a "bisexual" male attempting to justify his sexuality. Bullshit. If you are, in any way, shape or form, attracted to a dude, you are gay. So we were headed to an exclusive gay club around 1am on my birthday. Cheers.

So we get there and, apparently, one of our friends has set up a birthday guest list. I had one thing on my side. Riley and I were rocking up with bunch of well dressed girls. That means EVERYTHING in the Melbourne social scene. Riley went in first with some of the girls and I was at the back of the line. Massive mistake. I tried to walk in with just one girl. The hostess took one look at me and said. Nope, not tonight. Too crowded. Come back in a half hour.

Fine, I was a little hungry anyway. So we grabbed a quick bite at Hungry Jack's (direct rip off of Burger King). When we went back, the same thing. Come back in a half hour. I was getting frustrated because on my birthday night everyone was inside being gay without me. I let this digest for a little while and went back once again.

Hostess: You again? Not tonight babe.
Me: Really? I just want to know exactly what I did wrong? Am I not gay enough?
(Massive Islander bouncer walking towards me)
Hostess: Sorry we are too crowded
Me: Well I haven't seen a single person in this line for an hour and a half. I think you are just trying to not admit that you are wrong. Or is it because I am American? Huh? (This never works for your reference...)
Hostess: You need to leave right now
Me with massive bouncer looming, but wanting to stay strong: Ya, you would like that you s*** c*** (I was really just trying to cut as deep as possible)
Bouncer systematically "bounces" me and I put up zero fight whatsoever because I am not an idiot.

Happy Birthday! Oh, well. Riley said it was really gay inside anyway.

In other news, Aussie Rules football has started and people are really excited. Its kind of cool I guess. Its just another desperate attempt by Aussies to make something of their own. Its kind of similar to rugby, but less rough and all sorts of weird rules.

We have our first lacrosse game next weekend. Should be interesting. We have a new goalie from Japan who is actually very very good. He would catch blue bullets in his teeth. Its fun to have another Japanese lacrosse player to haze again at this time of year. He is most definitely trained in some martial arts because he blurts out random words as he attacks the ball and when we feed him booze and make him dance in a circle at the bar he does crazy poses.

That's all for now. Happy Easter!