Is it because of the Myer Christmas Parade featuring yours truly serving water bottles to trigger happy Asian photographers that are absolutely fascinated by even the least significant floats?
No
Is it because this has been the hottest start to November in over 100 years?
No
Is it because our degenerate landlord finally got us the equivalent of a 56K Windows 95 Modem?
Partially, but No
For this week, and this week only, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia is home to two of the world's most familiar faces:
Britney Spears as we would all like to remember her, and:
The World's Greatest Golfer (looking strikingly similar to Stephan (good luck with the Swedish Blondes Stephy))
So there you have it. The reason everyone is excited in Melbourne.
You would think that there would be something significant happening in this great country, like the eminent threat of brush fires devastating homes everywhere. But no, the news refuses to report anything but where Britney Spears and Tiger Woods were last seen. This can be best illustrated by the infamous South Park Britney Watch:
This clip is barely an exaggeration. Every single move is scrutinized over and over. The fact that the woman wants a little privacy is interpreted by the Aussies as a rude gesture that she is better than everyone. Which could be true, but the point is...WHO CARES? She is a joke.
One of my roommates, who promotes some club called The Secret Society (you probably haven't heard of it, it is, after all, a secret), had insider information that Britney and her background dancers would be making an appearance. Most of our house went to check it out. I stayed home to save money/be able to wake up for work. Good thing I stayed in because all I missed was spending way too much cash on drinks and seeing Britney doubles for the press. Shucks.
Tiger, on the other hand, is in Melbourne to participate in the Australian Masters, the logo of which is a complete rip off of the true Augustan Masters (notice the flag is located in Melbourne):
It would be nice to think that Tiger wanted to come to Oz to experience the culture and maybe take a little vacation, but that is hardly the case. He is being paid 4.5 million dollars...JUST TO SHOW UP. To gain some perspective, that is more than the winner of the tournament receives.
The investment by the state government and the golf committee has more than paid for itself. As an announcer (who is also the host of Australia's ridiculous version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire) pointed out, even in Greg "The Great White Shark" Norman's prime, there has never been this many people at an Australian golf tournament.
As I am writing this, Tiger is one shot off the lead, but he is clearly just waiting for the proper time to strike. The competition could be compared to Kimbo Slice taking turns pummeling pre-pubescent school boys. Apart from a few no name Americans trying to keep food on the table, the field is entirely from Australia and New Zealand. Try and name a single decent golfer apart from Adam Scott (who has been sucking wind of late). You can't. Unless you are some kind of freak, in which case you need to stop watching the Golf Channel and go hit the range.
Other wise, the weather is amazing and I have a birthday party to look forward to during which the lads will be playing cricket, while the ladies watch and drink. On that note, does anyone know how to play cricket? My McGowan genes will force me to join the competition, but I will probably make a complete ass out of myself trying to play. At one of our catering events, the world's greatest cricket batter bear hugged me and begged me for a drink after the bar had closed and I had no idea who he was. That would be like Tom Brady asking you for a glass of champagne and saying, "Sorry Bud, no can do." Hopefully, none of the guests will be Pakistani spin ballers with jihad tendencies.
Alas, you never know. At least I might look sweet in a full white jump suit.
No comments:
Post a Comment